Yeah, apparently she’s a big fat fatty and the public shouldn’t be subjected to her big fat fatness in The Avengers (or Avengers Assemble if you insist on being all British about it).
I have to be honest, the thought hadn’t occurred to me, but I have read it in so many Avengers reviews in newspapers, magazines and websites that I must be wrong. And these aren’t just reviews written by 400lb geeks who have never had a real girlfriend so spray piping hot bile all over women in movies who represent everything they will never have; nor has it all stemmed from bitter female writers, furious with actresses who dare to pander to the patriarchy by being pretty. These comments have appeared in reviews written by proper, well-respected, and otherwise sane critics.
It reminds me of a similar phenomenon when The Hunger Games was released earlier this year. The murmurs about Johansson’s figure are nothing when compared to the screams of derision aimed at Jennifer Lawrence, who played lead character Katniss Everdeen.
For the unaware, The Pirate Bay is perhaps the most popular file-sharing site on the web and allows people to access a huge range of content including movies, games and TV shows.
Sky, Everything Everywhere, TalkTalk, O2 and Virgin Media must all prevent their users from accessing the site. BT have requested “a few more weeks” to consider their position on blocking the site.
A statement from the British Phonographic Industry (BPI) said: “Sites like The Pirate Bay destroy jobs in the UK and undermine investment in new British artists,” while BPI’s chief executive Geoff Taylor said: “Its operators line their pockets by commercially exploiting music and other creative works without paying a penny to the people who created them. This is wrong – musicians, sound engineers and video editors deserve to be paid for their work just like everyone else.”
While this ruling surrounds music, it is going to downloads of every shape and size including TV and, yep, movies.
Which is nonsense. The arguments against online filesharing are as flawed as those that surrounded home recording in the 80s and branded kids that recorded eachothers’ cassette tapes as pirates. Not that I’m condoning piracy, quite the opposite. I just feel we should resist attempts to control the internet, as it’s a pernicious process. With SOPA and now CISPA in the States, we are following suit in the UK and are on a slippery slope towards internet censorship.
Ultimately, these measures are pointless as they can be got around using proxy servers or simply going to other filesharing sites.
Furthermore, entertainment producers and providers just aren’t keeping up with their audiences, and leave people with little choice but to find other ways of accessing content when legitimate means don’t cut it. Putting aside the argument that a new DVD shouldn’t cost £15 (though that is a valid complaint), many people simply cannot get hold of the films and TV shows that are being shoved down their throats. Have you seen The Cabin In The Woods yet? Why not? See it. See it now. Watch it now. Why haven’t you watched it? All your friends have watched it. You’re a loser. Your parents hate you. Watch it now… And so on and so on until the impressionable teenager who the adverts are aimed at and who doesn’t have a multiplex nearby gives in and Googles “free download Cabin In The Woods.”
But that doesn’t explain why adults download illegally. However, this does, and is based on a real situation experienced by a friend in who lives in New York.
Last week the Evening Standard got in touch to ask me to write something about The Voice being better than Simon Cowell’s shows. This is what I said:
“I gave up on X Factor last year after not one single likeable or above-average performer went through to the live shows, and I didn’t miss it at all. Britain’s Got Talent has never interested me, though I have managed to sit through a handful of shows – each one singularly awful. Bad singers are one thing; bad mimes, morris dancers, magicians, are quite another. Worse than the acts, however, are the audience.
Ugly, but with the audacity to be quite good at singing? They’ll and point and laugh and roll their eyes until the moment you hit the big note and then rise, as one, in spontaneous applause while mouthing “OMG” at eachother. This is contrasted by their reaction when the sort of person who would happily stab their own sister for a packet of fags but is marginally attractive swaggers onstage and honks out a piss-poor version of some shite by Plan B. The gurning cow people in the audience whoop and holler and declare him the eventual winner before he even opens his smelly mouth.
The Voice, on the other hand, is far more civilised. Yes, we get the backstage segments where people talk about how much it means to them, but gone are the judges agonising over a decision and the cynical scenes with an orange girl wittering on about how “my grandad died on my wedding day but I found this application form in his cold, dead hands so I’m doing this FOR HIM,” while Adele plays in the background.
Factor in a new twist on a tired format (the blind auditions) and judges that are interesting, relevant and seem to take the process seriously (stand up Jessie J and will.i.am) and I’m going to stick with The Voice for the time being.”
Propeller, Edward Hall’s all-male ensemble, is back on tour with a revitalised version of The Winter’s Tale,a production originally seen in 2005. I didn’t see it that time round, but the 2012 version seems to be curiously imbalanced…
At this point each year, I normally tell you to put money on my Oscar predictions, because I’m so very, very good at what I do.
However, this year I can’t. I got one wrong last year and it has rocked my confidence to such a degree, that I’m no longer comfortable telling strangers to gamble their hard-earned money based on my opinion of which actor or director will be given a little gold man to take home and put in their downstairs toilet.
However, here are my predictions for 2012. Do with them what you will:
Best Film
If there’s one thing the Academy loves, it’s being told how special what they do is, and The Artist is a 100 minute long cinematic loveletter to the art of filmmaking.
Last week I was engaged in every geek’s favourite pastime – arguing online about Star Wars.
A review of Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace 3D had fired up emotions between two equally passionate factions, so I stepped in with the following: “I think I’m probably representative of a lot of people who loved the originals, was disappointed with Episode I, but is still interested to see what the pod race and big battle with Darth Maul look like in 3D. Although I know it’s going to leave me disappointed, and filled with hate over the stupid cutesy rubbish (again), and even though I completely trust the reviewer’s opinion – my inner fanboy means I have to see it for myself.”
Of course, this wasn’t exactly what I said – it was online so slightly fruitier language was employed – but it’s how I have felt since the 3D rerelease was announced.
But now I’ve changed my mind. And this is why: IT’S NEVER GOING TO END.
Some time in the last ten years, cinemas stopped showing trailers for lots of different films, and simply started rotating the same two or three over and over again.
If you’ve been to the cinema in the last couple of months, you’ll have probably had to sit through trailers for This Means War, Man on a Ledge (possibly the stupidest movie title of all time), and the terrible new Orange advert featuring The Muppets more times than you care to remember.
What this does is make it easy to spot the hardened cinemagoers (they’re the ones who sigh audibly when they realise they are going to have to sit through a trailer for a film about a man on a ledge AGAIN); as well as the idiots (they’re the ones who laugh at the trailer for This Means War, even though nothing even close to humorous happens in it)
But the worst thing about this new practice, is how it means trailers for films without stupendous marketing budgets risk slipping through the net entirely – films like Chronicle, which came out last week to virtually no fanfare.
The casual moviegoer won’t have heard about Chronicle because it doesn’t have any big stars and it hasn’t been rammed down our throats every time we’ve been to the cinema for the last eight weeks. And that’s a huge shame, because people are going to miss out on seeing one of the best action films of the year.
From out of nowhere, this small film about three teenage boys who gain superpowers has crept up and it deserves your attention.
The film has a simple set-up that sees three teenage boys investigate a big hole in the woods and come back out again with telekinetic capabilities. However, as their abilities grow, they become more reckless. With great power comes great irresponsibility.
From being able to move Lego pieces with their mind, they quickly progress to being able to throw cars around and even fly.
Billed as a “found footage” film along the lines of Blair Witch or Cloverfield, the action is pieced together from footage shot by the youngsters themselves, keen to document their progression and the stunts they pull. There are also occasional quick-cuts from various other recording devices (CCTV, iPhones) which are incredibly effective and even during otherwise ridiculous scenes, lend a sense of reality. Yes, really.
The conceit works well for first time director Josh Trank who has been able to make this sort-of superhero film on a small budget but with studio support. It has the best of both worlds – an indie vibe but with an expensive polish.
He cleverly gets around the problem of having to have someone behind the camera at all times by quickly establishing that the boys can control the camera using their powers, meaning that any and all shots are possible. Smart thinking.
The trio have fun messing about with the powers, pranking housewives and terrifying children, but it inevitably goes to their heads, and after one of the trio abuses his abilities and causes a rift in the friendship, problems start to arise and the action increases as the story quickly builds.
Chronicle isn’t just all about the action though, it also boasts some excellent performances, not least from outsider Andrew (Dane DeHaan) who is the main protagonist and has more than a hint about Leonardo DiCaprio about both his features and his acting. A boy with an abusive drunk dad and a bed-ridden mum hooked up to an oxygen tank, his story arc is the most gripping and believable of them all… once you factor out the flying and everything.
It’s not a perfect film by any means – the denoument is pretty much like any superhero film you’ve ever seen, and there are a couple of plot holes, but these problems are no bigger than those you’d encounter in any other film dealing with the same kind of subject matter.
A new spin on a familiar concept, Chronicle manages to feel both familiar and unique.
This column first appeared in the KM series of newspapers.
We’ve now had the Oscar nominations, so in a couple of week you’ll be treated to my annual predictions, but first we need to address the Academy’s omissions.
In previous years they have made some serious errors in judgement and 2012 is no different. So here are a selection of this year’s Oscar injustices.
Best Picture: Drive
One day, an Academy voter will wake to the sound of himself crying hysterically. Even though the sun is flooding through the windows of his beachside home, his world will be entirely dark. He will check his bank account to work out how many times over he can buy Lithuania – that normally cheers him up – but even that can’t lift his spirits. There is a constant burning in the pit of his stomach and excruciating headaches mean that he can’t even stand up without feeling sick. The mystery symptoms are so painful and weigh on him so heavily that, after just a few days, he writes notes to his loved ones, cancels the milk, locks himself in the garage and revs his pristine vintage muscle car until its toxic fumes envelop him entirely and he plunges, sobbing and clawing at his flesh, into oblivion.
The next day, the same happens to another Oscar voter. And then another. And then another.
And that’s what you get for not giving Drive a nomination for Best Picture.
Best Documentary Feature: Senna
The only possible reason Senna could have been overlooked is timing. After a staggered release, there is a question over whether it came out at the right time to qualify, and that’s a huge shame because not only was it the best documentary released last year – it was the best film, full stop. Even die-hard motor racing haters fell in love with the perfectly crafted film that was funny, exhilarating, engrossing and profound. Add it to the list of “Popular, well-reviewed documentaries Oscar has ignored” alongside Anvil, Hoop Dreams and Crumb.
Best Supporting Actor: Albert Brooks – Drive
Albert Brooks was seen as a frontrunner for the best supporting actor award following his performance in Drive (who knew Nemo’s dad could be so sweary!). However, he was left off the list and jumped on Twitter to berate the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences when he found out. He tweeted: “And to the Academy: You don’t like me. You really don’t like me.” Childish for sure, but pretty funny.
Best Supporting Actress: Marion Cotillard – Midnight in Paris
The best thing in Woody Allen’s excellent timey-wimey romantic comedy, the luminescent Marion Cotillard deserves a nomination for Best Supporting Actress 163,000 times more than the sweaty one in Bridesmaids.
Best Animated Feature: The Adventures of Tintin
First of all, let’s do away with the ridiculous notion that Tintin isn’t an animated film. There are some who argue performance-capture isn’t animation, but it is. Although it involves live performance, an illustrative look is created by man and machine and overlaid, which makes it animation in my book. Animators have always used live performance as a basis for their work; the only difference is that it’s usually overworked animators doing the acting, not A-listers.
In a year where lazy spin-offs like Puss In Boots can bag a nomination, it’s crazy that a slick, funny, action-packed movie like Tintin is ignored.
Best Actress: Rosie Huntington Whiteley in Transformers 3
The way this British actress laid the groundwork for the revelation in Transformers 4 that she is actually a machine, was remarkable. Although ostensibly a human female, she weaved robotic mannerisms into her performance with such skill, that it was easy to forget that the person on the screen is, in real life, made of flesh and blood.
I can only assume that the Academy overlooked her because they misinterpreted her performance as bad acting, rather than a breathtakingly nuanced performance, echoing the fears of us all as we hurtle into a world filled with nanobots and paranoia fuelled by evermore realistic artificial-intelligence, by the greatest character actor of the century.
It seems like just 12 months ago I was putting together my list of the most anticipated films of 2011, where I included the likes of Super 8, Tintin and, er, The Green Lantern.
Next year there are loads and loads of films that I am super excited about and I actually ran out of space on the Word document when compiling my personal must-see list. I only have so much space here which means things like The Hunger Games and Prometheus just missed the cut, but here, after much deliberation, are my 12 most anticipated films of 2012.
The Dark Knight Rises
Batman Begins was great. The Dark Knight was even better. Can Christopher Nolan raise the bar one more time with The Dark Knight Rises?
Christian Bale returns as Batman, and is joined this time by Anne Hathaway as Catwoman and the wonderful Tom Hardy (Bronson, Warrior) as jacked-up terrorist Bane.
Without the hoopla of a dead cast member, The Dark Knight Rises should hopefully get the room to breathe and not be crushed under the weight of expectation.
The Great Gatsby
One of my favourite books, adapted by one of my favourite directors and starring one of my favourite actors. I’m more than a little bit looking forward to seeing this film. Moulin Rouge director Baz Luhrman brings his inimitable style to F. Scott Fitzgerald’s classic story, and has cast Leonardo DiCaprio as his lead.
I can already picture how Luhrmann’s distinctive theatrical filmmaking will be put to use during delirious 1920s party scenes and have high hopes that his film will replace the 1974 film starring Robert Redford as the definitive screen version.
The Avengers
Iron Man was mega. Thor was super. Captain America was awesome. The Avengers is going to be megasuperawesome. Marvel Studios’ most ambitious project yet sees their A List superheroes thrown together in what is sure to be one of the biggest movies of 2012.
Buffy and Firefly creator/director Joss Whedon is at the helm, which means it’ll be smarter than previous Marvel films and will hopefully avoid the cliched endings that have plagued other big-budget superhero movies. As well as Robert Downey Jr et al, we have Scarlett Johansson, Mark Ruffalo and Jeremy Renner rounding off a superb cast. I’ll be stunned if this film turns out to be shit.
The Amazing Spider-Man
Sure, it’s only been 10 years since the last reboot of Spider-Man, and most people don’t think we need another one, but this new version promises to stay closer to the comic roots of everyone’s favourite web-slinger.
Director Marc Webb (500 Days of Summer) has no experience with effects-heavy movies, but that may be a blessing and help avoid the “let’s just chuck more CGI at it” attitude that helped ruin 2007′s Spider-Man 3.
Peter Parker is being played by British actor Andrew Garfield, while the new incarnation of Mary Jane will be infinitely more likeable, with the wonderful Emma Stone taking over from the irritating Kirsten Dunst.
Skyfall
Daniel Craig’s third go at Bond is unlikely to be worse than Quantum of Solace, which sucked harder than a nuclear-powered Henry. However, Craig has since acknowledged that QoS was bad, and has put that down to the Hollywood writers’ strike. With no such problems surrounding this film, it should be closer to the quality of Casino Royale, was wasn’t just the best Bond film in decades, but one of the best action films of all time.
The Dictator
Nobody does awkward comedy as well as Sacha Baron-Cohen. Forget about Ali G, and focus on Borat and Bruno. Funny, right? Pant-wettingly so in some places. Doing away with the documentary conceit, Sacha Baron-Cohen’s next character is a Gaddafi-esque dictator who visits the USA. Cue many jokes about muslims, terrorists and uncomfortable scenes centred around the inevitable clashes in culture.
The first trailer has just dropped and is not very good (at all), but I have faith that the finished product will wind up being one of the best comedies of the year.
Titanic 3D
You’ll be shocked to hear that some people mock my taste in movies.
One of the hooks upon which they hang their cloaks of ridicule is my love of Titanic. Nonetheless, I stand by James Cameron’s melodramatic action-drama-romance and am more psyched about Titanic 3D than pretty much anything else next year.
No one has come close to matching the 3D he gave us in Avatar, and although Titanic wasn’t shot in 3D, I have a feeling that it’s going to look just as good as Avatar. Titanic is a huge movie, in every sense of the word, and the epic scenes of the ship going down are going to blow audiences away… again.
World War Z
Max Brooks’ horror novel, based on various accounts of a zombie apocalypse, has been a difficult film to accurately convert into a blockbuster movie. Indeed, the plot has been monkeyed around with somewhat.
Nonetheless, early reports of the film being made by Quantum of Solace director Marc Forster and starring Brad Pitt are promising and the script has been called a “genre-defining piece of work”.
Django Unchained
Kill Bill was so-so, but Inglourious Basterds put Quentin Tarantino back at the top of the list of most interesting directors working today.
Next year he is tackling a full-on Western and as usual he’s got a kickass cast on board, including Leonardo DiCaprio, Christoph Waltz, Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Samuel L. Jackson and Kurt Russell. Django Unchained is the story of a slave-turned-bounty hunter, played by Jamie Foxx, who attempts to free his wife. Things do not go to plan.
Already it sounds like it’s going to give Tarantino the chance to exhibit his trademark ultraviolence. I can’t wait.
The Expendables 2
And on the subject of extreme violence… The Expendables was one of the daftest, yet most enjoyable films of 2010 and next year we’re being treated to a sequel. And if there’s one thing we know about sequels, they’re always bigger, dumber and louder.
One of the criticisms of the first film was that it didn’t live up to its cast (Sylvester Stallone, Jason Statham, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Bruce Willis, Steve Austin, Dolph Lundgren, Jet Li) but that was nonsense and the new one also stars Jean Claude Van Damme and Chuck Norris. Add into the mix that Sly has stepped aside as director and welcomed in Con Air boss Simon West instead, and The Expendables 2 is going to be AWESOME.
Iron Sky
A bizarre sci-fi fantasy, in which the Nazis escaped to a secret base on the moon at the end of the Second World War. Since then, they have been working on anti-gravity spaceships and destructive new weaponry, and the Third Reich are now ready to reclaim the Earth.
I don’t think I need to say anything else.
Gravity
Children of Men writer/director Alfonso Cuaron’s new film is also space-based, but perhaps a little less insane than Iron Sky.
Starring Sandra Bullock and George Clooney as a pair of astronauts fighting for survival in a dilapidated space station, there is already an incredible buzz about this film – and not just among film fans. Director Guillermo Del Toro has said that the picture will push “a new boundary in filmmaking.”
Very few facts are known about the film other than Clooney and Bullock are the only two actors in it, and that it’s in 3D, but I have my fingers crossed that it will join Solaris and Moon in the pantheon of great films about interstellar isolation.
Last week, a feature I wrote about Christmas films appeared in The Independent, the i paper and the Irish Independent.
Picture the scene: It’s a wild and snowy night. A man stands on a bridge, staring into the icy river rushing below him and contemplating his life. We have already been witness to extortion, fraud and domestic abuse. Over the next hour, this man’s little brother will drown, and our character will plunge into depression, assault a police officer and crash his car while drunk.
If you’re thinking that this is all from a newly unearthed screenplay by Arthur Miller, or perhaps a synopsis of Ken Loach’s latest work, you couldn’t be more wrong. Everything above, and more, takes place in It’s a Wonderful Life, the “feel-good family favourite” and regular winner of polls to find the public’s favourite Christmas film.
